What a day. You know when you feel like you are going backwards. It’s quite amazing how in life things sometimes take a life of their own. And you are sometimes not sure who is in control, you or the thing. This TOTM or Thought of the moment started originally as just plain text I put up on my site to rant about the stupid band Hear'Say. Then I found the blogger website and added that to do the TOTM just because it was easier to do software wise. Up to recently I have been using it do rant or wine or express an opinion or just vaguely jot thoughts down. I didn't even think anyone was really reading them or anything as to be perfectly honest they where probably quite boring. I still don’t know who reads them, as because its on the front page, I can't tell the difference between a normal hit and someone who actually goes into the archive to check if anything is new.
Recently, as you know if you have been reading these I stop seeing Lexy. I started writing much more in these TOTM's writing my kinda take on the Bridget Jones dairy. It really started as just one entry, and I found it quite therapeutic to get things out of my head and onto paper (albeit electronic paper) I had no idea who was reading them or if anybody was. I was getting a fair few hits to the site each day, but some of that was search engines anyway. I was just kinda of using it as a way to write down thoughts and feeling and what was going through my head. By doing that it felt like I could rip it out of my head and put it on paper and it would stay there. It also helped me to focus my feeling and thoughts and work out what was going on in my head better. Its really amazing how it helped me clarify stuff more easily than I have been able to before. In my head anyway.
I have never like diaries though. Strange saying that since my last week of TOTM's have been exactly that. The difference is no one reads I diary. Its very unlikely I would ever read a diary a wrote later on. That’s just not me. I never went back though a test paper and checked it for errors either. I don’t do that kind of stuff. The thing about the TOTM is that not only does the writing make me feel better, but the fact somebody might read it, makes it special. I don’t know why. Those of you who know me know that I am a very open person. I will pretty much tell a stranger who I met a half hour ago my whole life story. I forget that other people aren’t that open and don't always want to a) share b) hear about my life. However the thing about the net is that you don’t have to read it. Its your choice, I don’t care if anyone reads it or not, but the fact people can if the want and if they find it interesting means that I can kinda talk to people with out actually talking to them. I don’t know if any of this is making sense but there something about sharing things with people, even if they aren’t there, and you don’t know them that makes me feel like I am talking to them anyway.
Now obviously there are drawbacks to being so open. One is that people can see you pick you nose on your webcam cause you forget its there. But hey its me unedited, and I made that choice. Two is that other people linked and related to you may not be so impressed as to what you write. I've thought about this a lot. Especially in light of Lexy's post in my guestbook today. I stared at that long and hard for a long time. I wondered was I wrong top write on the net. Was I being unfair to Lexy in that maybe I was posing things in a light that was biased (then again how can I not be biased when stating my emotion and feelings). Was it unfair to talk about her in a forum where she can't respond. I really didn’t mean to hurt her, and didn't think I was posting a biased view of things. I was posting mainly thoughts and feeling and what was going though my head that I wanted to get out. Initially I tried to not use names. But after a while I thought continually talking about her and she would be condescending and I wasn't trying to be condescending, so I elected to use names.
Anyway I was tempted to delete the posting in the guest book, but I thought that would be unfair, and that I should leave the guest book unmoderated. Anyway so some of my mates saw this and started posting replies to this, to which Lexy also replied back. So now I get this mini flame session going on in my guestbook which really was not what I wanted. I wondered do I delete all the posts do I leave it as is what do I do.
A couple of things are in my head. Especially after one of my friends said that she detested what I do on my web site with the TOTM's and Webcam and shit and that that was one of the reasons she could never have dated me. Now detest is a strong word. Made me think. Everyone is also saying I must just leave Lexy and move on and get over everything. However (especially highlighted by today's posts in the guestbook) I don’t want Lexy to think bad of me. Which I think she does as a result of everything. Now that’s where I started feeling that things where getting out of control. For me, if Lexy feels that I am being a dick, and is angry or upset with me, it kinda takes away from the last 3 months. For me, if she doesn't at least remember me in a nice way, it sucks the good out of what we did have. I don’t want that. I did (still do) genuinely like her. Yes things didn’t go the way I would have liked, and yes I am upset, but I don't want her to regard me badly. It belittled or denies the good. This probably makes no sense to anyone but myself. So I land up with a situation I caused or started (funny how things circle) to which I have no control over (or I do and am coping out without realizing it)
I guess this is one of those things in life that like the advert for vertigo comics used to say "object once set in motion, remain in motion". I have set objects in motion and I must deal with the ramifications of that. Today's also just been shitty day. Am tired. Am feeling ill. Am unhappy. Its Monday.
I don’t really know what else to say. There is still much in my head and its just very hard to sort out one strand of thought from the mush. All I can say is I am sorry for upsetting anyone with my writing. Especially Lexy. I hope that she doesn’t regard me badly, and feel it’s a great pity if she does. I did find it amusing that she made a reference to Schrodinger's cat. The essence of Schrodinger's cat is that the observer takes part in the experiment and that by opening the box, the observer then interacts with the experiment and collapses the wave form into an event. And that’s exactly what her posting did was alter the nature of the object she was observing. Very apt.
Anyway. Me signing off. Hopefully tomorrow things will be better than today.
Chow to anyone who is reading this.
Adrian
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