God, What a day.
I don't really know where to begin this blog. It will probably end up as a long and winding bunch of waffle but hey, if you have been reading up to know you are probably used to it.
Ok, I said a short while a go when I was talking about the fates or the kindly ones, I wasn't going to use this TOTM as a response forum to things Lexy posts on hew website. I stand by that. Lexy posted an entry in my guestbook this evening after all that went on today, which is the first entry below. I then deleted it because I wanted to move it into this blog, but Lexy posted another entry in the guestbook (second entry below) before I got a chance. I guess she was annoyed that I deleted the first entry, but it wasn't my intention, I just preferred to have them in the TOTM. Also there are comments and references to her blogs lower down the page anyway so I didn't see it as censorship. Read the entries and then I will continue below.
LEXY GUESTBOOK ENTRIES - START
22. posted by Lexy - 14-08-2001 @ 17:28
Adrian continues to talk about me on this site even though he knows I hate it. So I shall also continue on Lexy thoughts : inside my head.
After pettiness of fights over V2001 ticket and Ł100 that he owed me, I think I feel a rant coming on of my own ...
Take Care All.
Lexy.
22. posted by Lexy - 14-08-2001 @ 19:37
Don't forget to read the other side of the story boys and girls. freedom of speech and all that. It is only fair.
Lexy
LEXY GUESTBOOK ENTRIES - END
Ok so realize I said this will not be used as a debating forum with Lexy and that isn’t my intention. However, I have read Lexy's website after the last post in my guestbook. I didn't intend to read her site, but after her posting's above I went. Now that I have read what she wrote that information is in my head. Its knowledge I can't remove so if I say anything related to what she wrote it is not by intention. This TOTM is still about what's going through my mind, not a method of arguing with Lexy (or anyone for that matter). If you want to read what Lexy is feeling, saying, thinking or whatever then go ahead. My mom used to say there is your truth, my truth and the real truth. Well this is my truth, Lexy has her truth, and neither are the real truth. None of us can be objective as we all view the world though our own unique perspective and filters based on our life experiences. I am not claiming to be objective, but I am saying this is my thoughts and feelings, not a debate or argument with anyone.
I started the day in traffic and stressed and have a work issue which I solved a short while a go, but suffice it to say I have been stressed unrelated to Lexy. In fact when I was walking into the office I was thinking how I had two weeks where I was miserable but I am getting over this and that’s pretty good going. I don't see anything wrong with being miserable for a while after you split from some you liked.
Got into the office and Lexy messaged me on MSN as she still had a ticket for V2001 which we where originally going together. Part of the reason I asked her not to message/mail/call me is that the surprise of having someone contact you who you thought wasn't going to, always catches me off guard. That kind of throws me for the day, and at the moment I just don’t need that. Anyway the day progressed, from messenger to emails and emails and emails.
The emails mainly where about two things.
1 - Lexy trying to get rid of the V2001 and ticket
2 - Ł100 I owed Lexy
Eventually Lexy got a refund on the ticket and that was all sorted, but was cross (no wrong word - disappointed) that she couldn’t go. I was also disappointed as I hate having things planned to do with someone, then you split and then all those plans fall away. But there was just no way I could spend a weekend with Lexy as it would have been had things been the same as they were a few weeks ago. I really didn't think this was an issue, as she could have gone by herself, she meets people rather easily or sold the ticket. It just simply wasn't my problem. I don't know why she felt she had to contact me over the ticket, as she knew I wanted space, and could have quote easily go rid of the ticket without speaking to me. It just created unnecessary aggravation for both of us. Anyway its done and the she got a refund so that issue is over with
I borrowed Ł100 quid from Lexy on the day of the ball. With everything that happened I clean forgot about the money. Along with the discussion about the ticket she told me and I remembered. Cutting the story a bit short we bickered over how to pay her, as I wanted to send her a check and she wanted me to do a direct transfer. I will admit my reasons for this where childish, but at this point it had been a long day and I was agro and irritable and a little it annoyed. Now I always pay back my debts. However I feel a bit annoyed that I had spent a fair wack of money on the ball, including the auction for which I got very little enjoyment. I also resented the fact that my gesture with the auction panned out badly against me and these emotions surfaced themselves as childish behavior. I realize that now. Wade laughed at me when I told him. I felt that if I did I direct transfer, it would be very easy for Lexy and everything is done and dusted. If I sent a check however at least she would have to go through some effort into getting the money. Typing it now I realize how childish I was being, but I was harboring some resentment from what happened at the ball, and this surfaced badly. But who's perfect hey? Eventually Lexy and I agreed I would pay the Ł50 which is what I owed less the cost of the auction, which I though was fair and did I direct transfer. I know this looks like I was trying to bargain down the money I owed, but that’s not it. I will admit I was a bit bitter off the amount of money I spent at the ball (and in the last three months). Yes I spent that money all of my own accord and yes I made those decisions. I am not blaming Lexy for that in the slightest. I am just saying I was resentful because of that. Again I do not claim to be perfect. Anyhow that was settled fairly amicably I guess with neither of us happy or unhappy I think.
The last couple of emails started going around in circles. With both of us remembering our own subjective view on things tainted by both being highly emotive and stubborn I tried to end things amicably. I didn’t agree with everything she was saying about the event and she said two remarks that really stung me.
One was that I would probably be safe from her now that all theses issues where dealt with. The other was that that the reason I lost a friend was though my own choice.
Both of these to me said the same type of thing, and that is that I didn’t have the right to be upset with what happened and that my way of dealing with what happened was wrong. What she wrote on her site also game me that impression. I am not going to discuss the subjective actions of either of us, but I will say that my way of dealing with things is my way of dealing with things. We both made mistakes. It takes two to tango. I do have the right to be upset though. I did genuinely like and care for Lexy. I think the way the events occurred could have happened in a less hurtful way and if her and John do connect like they do then it wouldn’t have made a difference if they connected later on in the week. Yeah we both made mistakes, and if we could have that night over again I think we both would do things differently. However I did get hurt, I was upset and I can only deal with it they way I deal with it. I only am who I am.
I really wanted this to end more amicable than it has now. I feel it takes away from what we had. Especially since the last thing you member related to the other person then is aggravation. None of my friends seem to really get that. Maybe I am weird. As I have said it has been spun, woven and cut. I just wish the cut was cleaner.
I am glad Lexy found what she was looking for. I wish ill on very few people and certainly not on anybody I have dated. I do wish it could have ended differently, but that’s part of life. I hope she enjoyed the time she spent with me, and that I meant something to her. If you want to read about what is going on in her life, the links are above and in the guestbook near the bottom. I am not going to read what's going on as is my choice. As much as I would like to, I need to move on. Maybe at some point in the future I will go and have a look at what Lexy is getting up to, but I want to avoid turning these blogs into a forum between me and Lexy. As I have said before this is not what TOTM is about.
If you have noticed, the TOTM's regarding Lexy have tailed off anyway, and I am back to posting more about myself and my life than what happened. I suspect this trend will continue. If you have been along for the ride the last three weeks I have you have found it a fascinating read, and I hope my life by itself will be just as interesting. Watch this space.......
Leave a comment